Anuptafobia: Teama Patologică De a nu-ți Găsi Perechea

 

După o cină cu mai mulți prieteni am făcut o constatare tristă dar incontestabilă: reuniunile noastre au încetat să mai fie amuzante. Femei singure, femei măritate, mame; eram incapabile să avem o conversație amuzantă și profundă asupra unui subiect care să nu aibă legătură cu faptul de a găsi pe cineva și de a avea copii. Eram incapabile să planificăm o întâlnire unde să profităm doar de simpla noastră companie. Și asta nu este o situație izolată. Dintr-o dată, femei pe care le-am considerat întotdeauna ca fiind ingenioase, amuzante și independente nu par a avea alt interes decât acela de a se ”stabiliza”. Acest lucru, totuși, nu ar trebui să pună probleme, cu excepția faptului când, a găsi un partener nu mai este o dorință ci o obsesie și o obligație.

 

Originea anuptafobiei

Presiunea de ”a găsi pe cineva” este unul din lucrurile cele mai ușor de înțeles în lumea în care trăim: totul este organizat pentru a atrage dorința de a găsi un partener și de a avea copii. Astfel, în mod tradițional, succesul a fost asociat într-o anumită manieră cu faptul de a găsi un companion și de a avea descendenți cu acesta.

Chiar dacă multe persoane nu resimt această nevoie la început, ele pot să o dezvolte: ajungând la o anumită vârstă, plăcerea petrecerii timpului liber are tendința de a se reduce drastic. Mulți dintre prieteni și apropiați și-au găsit un partener și timpul de care aceștia dispun pentru a se mai amuza sau discuta cu prietenii est net inferior.

Dacă nevoia de a fi într-un cuplu este resimțită la ambele sexe, aceasta pare mai intensă la femei și la persoanele ce depășesc 30 de ani, mai ales când această nevoie devine patologică. Aluziile la ceasul biologic nu fac decât să accentueze această senzație de epuizare, mai ales la persoanele care se simt deja vulnerabile și care își pun întrebări asupra celibatului.

Procesul de a găsi un partener poate fi amuzant și se poate desfășura într-o manieră naturală sau poate fi întortocheat și angoasant.

Există persoane care își trăiesc celibatul nu ca pe un mijloc de a găsi un partener ci ca pe o stare completă. Nu din cauză că ele doresc să fie singure sau în cuplu ci pentru că doresc să fie liniștite și să ducă o viață în care emoțiile pozitive să fie preponderente. A fi într-un cuplu este un factor pozitiv suplimentar care adaugă un element de intimitate, tandrețe și companie dar care nu este indispensabil pentru a te simți bine.

Totuși, alte persoane cred că celibatul est ceva ”anti-natural” și care le limitează social, ceea ce le face mai vulnerabile și mai expuse experiențelor negative. Acestea sunt persoane care au interiorizat ca pe niște ordine ”recomandările” sociale făcute de apropiați și prienteni. Ele simt că celibatul este un eșec social, dovada prezenței unei probleme, oricare ar fi aceasta.

 

Comportamentul persoanelor ce suferă de anuptafobie

Comportamentul persoanelor ce suferă de anuptafobie răspunde unui model de anxietate și de obsesie față de ideea de a avea un partener. Persoanele cele mai apropiate  bolnavului sunt de obicei cele ce suferă cel mai mult din cauza acestei obsesii, căci orice propunere sau încercare de petrecere a timpului liber nu va fi niciodată satisfăcătoare dacă nu are ca scop găsirea unui partener.

Persoanele ce suferă de acest sindrom au o gravă problemă de stimă de sine, favorizată probabil de rupturile traumatizante din trecut, de experiențele de respingere sau de abandon din partea anumitor persoane importante din copilărie sau adolescență.

În prezent, au putut fi determinate caracteristicile care creionează portretul unei persoane anuptafobice:

Victimizarea excesivă în timpul celibatului.

Promiscuitate și comportamente limită.

Împărțirea persoanelor din anturaj în ”persoane celibatare sau în cuplu”. Uneori persoanele anuptafobice pot utiliza un limbaj agresiv ce îi poate răni ce cei din anturajul lor.

Pun la îndoială relațiile sentimentale ale altora, mai ales ale celor care nu sunt caracterizați de ”angajament” și le consideră ca  relații ”imature sau vide”.

Au tendința de a face conexiuni între toate relațiile lor, de a le confunda, fără a acorda importanță caracteristicilor fiecăreia. Își însușesc gusturile și opiniile partenerului actual de teama unui noi abandon.

Înțeleg căsătoria și copiii ca pe o suprafață stabilă și sigură: un loc echilibrat prin angajamentul pe termen lung al partenerului și nu ca pe un proiect de viață plin de sens.

Incapacitatea de a profita de activități fără compania unui partener.

Odată ce sunt în cuplu, aceste persoane depun multă energia în a se lăuda cu fericirea de cuplu în fața celorlalți.

Trebuie să înțelegem anuptafobia ca pe o teamă irațională, după cum o indică sufixul. Astfel, comportamentul unei persoane anuptafobice este adesea destul de pronunțat și bătător la ochi în comparație cu simpla dorință și căutarea unui soț.

Această tendință provoacă mai multă durere și disconfort decât am putea crede, într-o largă masă a populației, care simte că faptul de a fi în cuplu este singurul mijloc ”valid” de integrare, ceea ce duce la o căutare perpetuă și infructuoasă. A avea impresia că nu ești decât o jumătate și nu o ființă întreagă, a căuta pe cineva pentru a alcătui o pereche și nu pentru a fi mai fericit nu este totuși cea mai bună cale de urmat.

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